It is offically Tuesday---4 day work week! WHOO HOO! I have a hellish day ahead of me. I know it already, just looking at my schedule. So I got my hair cut Friday, and I thought it looked great!
They did my make up for me for free at the salon, so despite leaving there late, I was still able to be ready in time when Stephen got to the house....however there were a few complications. Do you have a favorite "going out" pair of jeans? Those nice ones that you wear at least once a week if not 3 times?! Yea, mine are a pair of skinny bootcuts from the Gap, I love them because the demin is so super soft. Went to put them on, and of course I ripped the denim. Right on the inside of the leg, and it wasn't a seam rip, it was the denim, where it gets worn thin because your legs rub together when you're Italian and have big trunk thighs. So as I paniced a bit, I realized that I had a pair of new widelegs in my trunk that I had planned to take bake, but I could wear with boots. Worked out. I like the jeans, and now I get to keep them.
THEN, the shirt I was planning on wearing, very low cut, very sexy, a dark pink camisole top, my left boob kept popping out of at my house, and of course its the type of shirt that you just can't wear a bra with. I managed to tighten the strap enough to keep "the girls" in.
Went to dinner at Morton's Steak House. It was really nice, and expensive, which bothered me because I don't like spending Stephen's money. He had a gift card, but still. I decided to casually bring up the whole me looking for work elsewhere conversation. I asked about if I get an offer upstate...what would happen. He said "You'll take it" and I responded with "I meant us". Well, pretty much he said we'd try to make it work but that nothing is a guarantee. I naturally got upset because being the way I am this sounds to me like he is deadset on us breaking up and not being together forever. If that's the case I need to reconsider everything. I mean, I am head over heels in love with Stephen and I finally realized why I act the way I do and get upset the way I do for the reasons I do...I will not be able to handle having my heart broken AGAIN. Not the way Mike had broken it, and my feelings for Stephen are even stronger than that.
Speaking of Mike, spoke to him on Sunday, he was telling me about the crap that Chanel is putting him through. I feel really bad for him, but He needs to move home and cut that at the root. My personal opinion. Our conversation also led to a discussion about how he still loves me and regrets not having a formal relationship with me. Thanks for that one on my year anniversary with my boyfriend. Oh, and not 2 minutes later Mecca tells me that he has always had a thing for me. Super. Thanks. Ro thoughtt he whole thing was hysterical.
So I think that my realization made sense and is compeltely valid. I love Stephen, with my whole heart and soul. I don't know how to show him or get him to understand that this is it for me. I'm done. I don't want anyone or anything else. Any ideas?
So he liked his little gifts that I had for him. I got him a card too...he had already given me my presents 2 weeks ago, but I think he was surprised that there was a card involved. I started work on the scrapbook. Basically, I can't stop scrapping now. I love the whole process. AND it looks pretty damn good. I'll take pictures tonight. I have a few more pages to do, but I think it sends the message that I care and I love him. I hope at least. I really want him to like it, and I'm scared he's gonna say its gay. I've decided that at the end, I'm gonna put a picture of me looking away and write him a note about how much I love him and I hope that the future has more to hold for us.
So Saturday we went for drinks at Fridays with everyone, nothing too exciting. I think I had 4 or 5 drinks though, and didn't get drunk. Which worries me. Srtange isn't it? Stephen was buzzed and I should have been falling over myself with those drinks. We went back to my house, and Stephen was too excited to go to bed. no messing around, just time to sleep. This bothered me, because I feel like he's never interested in doing anything with me anymore. I know I've gained weight but it's not like I'm huge. I got all huffy and puffy and finally started making out with hi. if he's not gonna do anything, I will. It just makes me feel so rejected sometimes that I ask or expect and get nothing. Maybe I ask for too much, but a little intimacy is something I think we shoudl still have even at a year.
Sunday was dinner at his house with his family and him not saying I love you when I left. That bugged me out too. I went home and I had my realization then about not being able to handle a broken heart. I couldn't handle it mentally or physically.
Monday I had off from work for MLK day....more people should start dreaming so I can get a couple more days off! I woke up early, ran over to Michaels to get more scrap stuff and return bottles at Waldbaums. Then I went home, drove to Stephen's and we went to lunch. That's the last I'll see of him until possibly a week from this Friday, and even then, if I'm lucky. He's going upstate this weekend, which I think is great, and I think will be good for us. I'm hoping that when he comes back he has a renewed excitement over me. You know the whole not seeing each other for a week or more. I can hope...right?
After I got home from lunch, I went to Target with Jeannie and bought lipgloss and a a vitawater. nothing exciting. Then we went to Michaels and I bought more stuff for the book. fun sparkly love stickers. Then I went home, ate and went to kickboxing. Not as much pai nas last week, but I think tomorrow will be rough with my second class of the week.
Ok, time for some coffee and getting prepped for the day.
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